Perfectionist Or Lunatic?

back home from school and dinenr with my dad... ate bak gu teh... haha... very nice..

was practicing at school for awhile, then we watched "My Brother" or something like that which audrey brought.. some korean show.. it was really quite touching, almost cried... haha.. serious... probably the 2nd movie that did this to me after pearl harbor...

aniwaes, played haydn concerto again a few times today... then something came into mind... i have listened to numerous people playing this concerto, and i thought, how the heck am i going to play like them? rostropovich, my uncle, andris... ahhhhhhhh... haha... all the pros... the more i hear them, the more i don't believe i can do it... it just seems impossible to me... and if i cant play this piece well, how am i gonna play dvorak??? bleah... it seems that we as musicians, most of us aim for perfection in our music... intonation, dynamics, speed, accuracy, musicality etc... too many things to look for in our playing that it seems impossible to make it perfect... i guess even the most legendary of players were driven to the edge of their sanity to achieve this purpose... so how are we going to reach the level which people younger than us have already reached? hmmm..... come to think of it, i guess getting there is a life-long purpose... i suppose nobody can reach to that level of perfection... and all we can do now is continue to move on? i guess...

another thing came into my mind also... it has been bothering me for quite awhile... for fellow Christians out there... were there times which you feel drifted from God? somehow i am getting this feeling, which is not peasant at the thought of it... sometimes when i pray, or even saying a simple grace, i thought to myself, am i doing this out of habit or do i really mean it? sometimes i doubt that i am doing it with a rightful heart... well, in any case, i sure won't wanna lose Him...

oookkk.... aniwaes, practical exam on wednesday... ahaha... dunno what to do with my arpeggios... i hate them... to the core... bleah... i mean who does? eeeww..... oook... off to play my game... so long!~