14

fourteen, 14, shi(2) si(4), 100+40-20-25+2-8-50+2-1+3-4-25=14

seriously, since the last post til now, if it wasnt for the auditions today, i would have felt much better...

let me tell you what happened during my ayo audition.. before my turn, there was a girl, jolyn, who was playing the exact same concerto which i was going to play.. when i knew that, i knew i was so screwed already... so it was my turn.. i went in, and the conductor told me to play the d major and minor scale.. but when it came to the minor scale, he asked me to slur 3 notes to a bow and staccato the 4th note.. i did.. it was ok when it was ascending, but i practically screwed up the descending scale.. fine.. next was the concerto.. i played, first page relatively ok.. 2nd page my finger slipped, but i managed to catch it back.. i was already playing the harmonics when he asked me to stop.. and guess what he said next...

Him: have you heard the girl before you play?
Me: no
Him: you knw she played the same piece as you right?
Me: yea
Him: she's only 14...... (stares at me)
Me: (smiles at him and shrugged)

i cant believe this happened.. fine.. so i played the next piece.. faure's elegie.. he didnt say anything for that.. he walked to me and placed the orchestra parts on my stand.. he asked me to sight-read scherherazade.. the theme was ok, the cross strings section was screwed up.. it was squeaky and all..

Him: hmm.. i don't really like the sound of your cello.. do you like it?
Me: uhh, well, ok...
Him: its not a very good cello eh? its so difficult to find a good instruments nowadays..
Me: (smiles)

fine.. now he's talking about my cello.. we went on to the 4th movement, which was mad.. he asked me to play at a super fast speed with a super difficult bowing at the tip of the bow... i couldnt play it.. then he took the scores and went back to the table..

Him: hmm.. ok.. thanks very much.. its always good to have challenges

yea.. fine.. i know i suck.. but you dont have to shoot me like that.. andris and yong rui were after me.. in all, only 4 cellos auditioned.. andris, me, jolyn and tang jia, who is from yong siew toh... i think out of this 4, everybody but me will get in.. seriously.. people thought that at least i made it into the sight-reading phase.. well, to tell you the truth, the only reason i can think of that made him do that was the fact that i put the amount of orchestra experience i had in the registration form.. if i didnt put what i put, i would have been out of the room in 2 minutes... i heard that jolyn might be too young to play, and she doesnt have enough orchestra experience, fine then, so that means i'm the only 1 out of 3 who wont get in..

all 3 of nafa's violas auditioned too.. he didnt say much for 3 of them, and only christoven got into the sight-reading phase... i'm not jumping to any conclusions here, but judging from what i know, one of them should be able to get in..

i dont exactly know what i'm feeling now.. discouraged, put down, pissed, disappointed, blah blah blah... the reason i joined the audition was so that i will play well in it, and not to get in.. well, i can say i didnt play well at all.. especially the sight-reading part.. i did what i could, and apparently it wasnt enough for the concerto..

i know i tried my best, but apparently the world doesnt care whether you tried your best or not.. what matters is whether you are good at the end of the day... hard work with no results = no work done thus no use... well, that applies to musicians the most.. and that is one of the many reasons why musicians cant mix well with non-musicians.. face it.. i even have this problem in church.. we always aim for perfection and settle for nothing less than that.. people say just do your best.. i agree, but doing your best alone isnt enough at all in music.. if people think musicians are fortunate people or live a relaxed lifestyle, think again.. we put ourselves into emotional, mental and sometimes physical torture to produce the results we want, and when we dont get it at the time we want it, we go mad, seriously, mentally mad and crazy.. we are not as free as you think.. everytime you spend your hours watching movie, having fun outside with your friends, theres a good chance we're aving orchestra rehearsal or practicing.. so dont come telling or asking us why arent we turning up for this and turning up for that, why we dont have a social circle outside the music world.. birds of a feather flock together.. get this in your head.. there is just no way musicians can relate with non-musicians properly.. when we tell them about dvorak and bach, they tell us about jay chou (not aiming anybody) and how good his singing is.. really, his singing isnt really singing at all.. his songs might be nice to listen, but i wont call it music, art, or good singing, or even singing for that matter... thats just an example.. yes, we musicians have no life but practice and practice and practice... we spend our entire mortal life learning non-stop.. so please understand this fact before jumping to any conclusions of any matters about our lives..

i have so many things to do and so many things to think about that i feel i might explode any moment into madness.. seriously.. the amount of school work i have to handle soon, the amount of pieces i have to practice in such a short period of time.. i seriously dunno whats in store for me next.. i'll probably be just another failed musician.. no matter how hard i try, it seems the circumstances just wont allow me to succeed in any way...

i was pretty ok after the audition.. i'll probably be ok again.. i just need a few hours to calm myself down and get on with my life.. afterall, its just an audition..

enjoy%$#@